Can we please agree that christmas is the weirdest holiday as it unscrupulously mixes pagan with christian imagery and custom? Here in America where so many different cultures have merged their heritage and every branch of the hyperactive local industry is happily molding this mix into a new Disneyfied phenomenon called xmas this legal resident here feels the urge to take notes. Now that the americans have declared war on xmas I deem it super important to report home about the local customs and practices before they're totally extinct and lost forever, vanished into the big abyss that we call PC. So here is my report on xmas:

Americans like to buy their trees from charming canadian tree vendors as early as possible. Me too, it makes sense. Canada has a shit-load of trees. When you spend money why not spend it on canadians with sexy accents and, last not least if you buy your tree early-on in December you don't need to shell out for an Advent wreath but instead you get to enjoy the tree much longer. Buying the tree on the 24th and then throwing it out on January 1st shortens the window of xmas-cheer considerably. True, the surprise is somewhat gone when you eventually celebrate xmas and the tree has been around for almost a month but at least you get to enjoy it for a month. OK, so the tree is in the den and dries out day after day in what is called ghetto heat. The gynormous tree stands, available at wonderful places like "The Home Depot" or "Bed Bath & Beyond" allow the xmassee to water his or her tree in an attempt to keep it green for 31 days and nights. But lets be honest, three weeks under desert like conditions found in the average urban american living room turns the proudest canadian fir tree into happy kindling. So, no candles! In fact, Americans faint at the mere mention of candles anywhere near christmas trees... or holiday trees which is the preferred non-offensive term. Big ole fire hazard, so we go with electric lights, called twinkle- or fairy lights. Decorating the tree is a social event and getting pissed on egg nog with rum is a splendid tradition, tightly linked to the decorating event. To make matters even more post pop art we decided to buy a DVD containing an endless loop of crackling fire place. Unfortunately the fire was neither filmed in letterbox format nor does it give off any heat but it inspires so much cheer, that the decorating and egg-nogging chores turn into slices of pie or pieces of cake. One last thing, the gifts. Now gifts go wrapped up under the tree as soon as they become available and then stay there untouched like Michael Jackson's friends until it's xmas time.

So far the report on first hand experiences with christmas customs in the new world. Come back for more as the season's main event unfolds and further anthropological studies become inevitable.